Would like to hear opinions from married experts on how to deal with the rejection of emotional needs?

I can see a lot of effort and some pretty serious issues in the text!

Facing a marriage that "exists in name only," the question asker didn't let it deteriorate. Instead, he took the initiative to take responsibility for improving it, which is not common in families.

While marriage counseling has helped the author improve his marriage, it seems like his wife is still only focused on getting what she needs from him and not on providing what he needs. Despite telling her and asking her to care more about him,

The reality is that your wife is very busy at work and with the kids, so she can't give you the attention you want. She won't say anything more about it, even though you feel aggrieved and disappointed.

It looks like the questioner's path to improvement has reached an end, but he hasn't got what he wanted.

Maybe the questioner wants to improve the marriage so that everyone's happy. But it seems like only the wife is happy now, and the questioner is still in the same position.

It looks like the improvement in marital status came at the expense of her own interests.

I have a question for the questioner. Do you want to improve the marriage for your own personal needs, or do you think it should be "the needs of both spouses"? If it's both, what percentage do you think is appropriate?

It seems the questioner has forgotten that this change in behaviour was initiated by him. Despite his wife not objecting, she avoided it. My wife has her own issues, but she doesn't think so and she's very busy, so she didn't get involved.

While it may seem like things are better between the two of them, the truth is that the questioner is the only one who needs to take responsibility for making things better.

However, the questioner unconsciously believes that the responsibility for this change should be shared by both husband and wife. So when you've made the changes, you'll also ask your wife to give you more care.

So when your wife doesn't respond to your requests the way you expect, you feel a bit aggrieved and disappointed. Don't you also feel a bit "cheated"?

If the questioner believes that the need to change is his own, he won't have any expectations of whether his wife will change or how she'll respond. He won't be disappointed or aggrieved because wanting to change is your own business and has nothing to do with your wife.

Given all this, I think it would be a good idea for the questioner to get some personal counseling.

I really hope my reply was helpful. Best wishes!

I've been married for 14 years, and my wife and I are similar. I'm going to introduce the worldview of people like us.

You usually tell me, "You've worked hard," but those words are unnecessary. I don't care. They're empty and superficial. The things that need to be done will still get done, whether you say it or not.

Yes, for people like us, when someone asks how we are, if we are not bothered, we will listen (and know that they mean well). But if we are annoyed, we won't listen at all. We feel that if you can help, help; if you can't, stay away. At least I can have some peace and quiet. We can also be considerate and do things to please others (after all, we are not stupid, and we can act when needed), but that kind of behavior is just a tool to achieve a certain goal, not something that comes naturally.

Husbands and wives must be honest with each other. The ideal home is a place where people feel comfortable and at ease. If your wife is willing to perform in the home, you may feel close to her in form, but in fact, for her, it may be an act that can only be done after distancing herself from you to a certain extent.

The Language of Love

(My wife cares.)

Caring actions – service

You summed this up by realizing that your needs are different from your wife's. However, I don't think this summary is necessarily accurate. At least for me, the language of love is "dependability." This person is always on standby, providing me with as much help as I need when I need it. This is the best. This person had better not take the initiative, not popping up every now and then to ask after my well-being, and even less so taking the initiative to make some "romantic arrangement" when they have nothing better to do. Because what he thinks is good, I may not necessarily think is good. He does these things that most people would consider to be good for me and for my well-being, but I don't appreciate it. It feels like I'm being ungrateful, and if I do appreciate it, I feel like I'm being morally blackmailed.

I don't know if people like us are seen as ruthless, but I can tell you this: we are.

When we want to be nice to others, we all want to give them the best of what we have. If you like to be cared for and noticed, you will care for and notice them. The best way to be nice to someone is to be their "standby." I am my own standby. We can usually have no contact with each other. When you need something, just let me know what your specific needs are, and I will do my best.

I must give others what I believe is good for them. The ideal is to provide whatever the other person needs. This is an easy concept to understand, but when it comes to putting it into practice, I find that I may not be able to do it. For example, my husband also likes to be greeted and cared for, but I don't have this need, so if I have nothing to do, I will greet and care for the other person a little. I will remember to do this and set an alarm to remind me.

I will listen if he tells me. If you need to talk, just talk. If you need someone to care about whether you have eaten or how your day was, tell the other person what you ate and did today.

From my perspective, the host's emotional needs are evident, and it's clear that addressing them is a significant challenge. Despite 20 years of marriage and 10 years of living apart, the host still requires attention from his wife and is open to marriage counseling. His efforts are commendable, and I support his decision to seek assistance.

After reviewing the comprehensive introduction, it is evident that there are notable differences in the emotional expressions of you and your wife.

The host's primary need is to be seen, understood, and paid attention to.

The wife of the host states that her schedule is already full, and she is unsure how she will be able to dedicate time to her emotional needs.

There may be an unspoken implication here that your numerous emotional needs indicate a lack of pressing commitments.

As a result, your wife is able to express her discontent with a clear conscience.

From the telephone conversation with your wife, it is evident that she has a full schedule.

1. She has a significant workload at her place of employment and is experiencing considerable pressure.

2. The child is scheduled to take an exam, and the mother is currently occupied with the related paperwork.

It is possible that she is similar to the landlord's mother, leading a demanding schedule and consequently overlooking the landlord's emotions and sentiments.

It is frequently asserted that intimacy represents a continuation of the original family dynamic. We are, in effect, engaged in a relationship with the "continuation of character" of our parents.

The key to a successful marriage is to focus on your own personal development rather than attempting to change your partner.

It is challenging for your wife to grasp your emotional requirements and empathize with you. Given the 20-year wait, it may be beneficial to consider an alternative approach.

1. Gain an understanding of the mother's era, as you would of your wife's current circumstances.

If feasible, it would be beneficial to speak with your father or inquire with your mother's friends and relatives to gain insight into her upbringing.

Furthermore, it would be beneficial to ascertain how her mother's mother treated her.

It is important to recognize that parenting styles are often shaped by learned behaviors and attitudes.

When parents fail to acknowledge their children's emotions, they may also be overlooked by their own parents, leading to a gradual concealment of their own emotions.

They are not disinclined, but rather lack the capacity to do so. Parents born in the 1940s and 1950s, in particular, have experienced a multitude of significant events.

During that period, the environment in China was challenging, and parents were preoccupied with meeting basic needs, making it difficult for them to be empathetic to their children's emotional needs.

When we recognize that our parents have love for us, even if they do not express it, we can move forward with greater ease.

It would be beneficial to ascertain how her parents treated her, and her parents' parents. It is possible that they did not fully comprehend emotions either.

As the host gains a deeper understanding of the ways in which my mother expresses her love for me through exploration and discovery, she will come to accept this state of affairs.

If you are still receiving counseling, you may request the use of the "empty chair" method to facilitate the expression of your feelings and emotions towards your parents, as well as the asking of questions that have been previously unspoken for an extended period. The answers you seek will be forthcoming.

2. Through self-care and marriage counseling, gradually direct your attention to yourself, identify your emotions, and frequently ask yourself:

"If I am not receiving attention, how can I improve my self-esteem?"

It is recommended that you record ways in which you can care for yourself and demonstrate self-love on a daily basis. This may help to improve your sense of wellbeing.

In the final analysis, we are alone in this world. Our view of the world is a subjective projection of ourselves.

When you invest in your personal growth, your perspective on the world will shift.

It is still possible to inform your wife of your emotional needs and to agree on the topics to be discussed during your next conversation and the way you should interact with each other.

It is beneficial to communicate to your wife on a regular basis that you recognize her efforts, acknowledge the challenges she faces, and appreciate her abilities.

Additionally, it is beneficial to express to your wife that you hope she will communicate her feelings more openly. This could include statements such as, "I understand you, I empathize with your situation, and I admire your resilience."

It is possible to discern the emotional currents flowing between you and your wife. Couples who are able to engage in constructive debate and disagreement are often highly resilient in their relationships, as they have a clear understanding of each other's emotional needs.

When we express our expectations regarding how we would like to be treated by another individual, we are effectively communicating our love for that person.

I value your attention and understanding, and I appreciate your love and care.

If the emotional needs behind the arguments between the two parties involved can be clarified, the relationship will undoubtedly improve, regardless of whether the parties live in close proximity or not.

3. Close the psychological and physical distance.

It is crucial to allocate time for homecoming and quality time with your wife. Despite the closeness of the relationship, distance is an unavoidable reality.

If circumstances permit, consider returning home more frequently to offer your wife a pleasant surprise. She is capable and independent.

Regardless of a woman's strength, she still requires physical affection and support. Regardless of her age, she still possesses a childlike quality.

The landlord also has a vulnerable little boy living in his heart. It would be beneficial for you to spend more time with each other and rely on each other in order to achieve a more comfortable and long-lasting relationship.

I would like to conclude by reiterating my admiration for the host's courage and decision to address the challenges of marriage head-on. Many individuals might choose to ignore these difficulties, but the host has demonstrated responsibility and commitment as a father and husband. By prioritizing your own well-being, you can gradually release your wife from these burdens, fostering a more harmonious family dynamic. I extend my best wishes for a long and fulfilling life together, along with continued happiness and health for your entire family.

Hello, dear question asker! I'm Enoch, your answerer. From your description, it seems like you're feeling a bit sad because you didn't get the emotional care and value you expected during your 20-year marriage. It's also like you felt ignored and rejected by your mother during your childhood. Not only have you not been healed in your marriage, but the emotional hurt has deepened. So, even though you appreciate your wife, you're still a bit unsatisfied with her and your marriage.

Let me help you understand what might be going on here, my friend.

1. It's totally normal for there to be differences in needs between partners. After all, we're all individuals with our own unique preferences! However, when these differences lead to conflicts or misunderstandings in a relationship, it can be really tough.

From what you've told me, it seems like you might be an emotional person with very sensitive feelings. In relationships, especially with your wife and in your family, you want to feel loved and cared for. You also want your daily life to be warm and friendly. Your wife, on the other hand, is more rational. She's motivated and ambitious, which is probably one of the main reasons you're attracted to her. You see the kind of motivation in her that always fills you with hope. However, because she's so focused on her career and her children's studies, she doesn't always have as much time for her family as you'd like.

2. The differences in character between the questioner and his wife have unfortunately led to a lack of mutual understanding.

It's totally normal that you and your husband have different personalities. After all, you've been married for 20 years! It's possible that you've both gone your own way a little bit, which can make it tricky to understand each other. It's also possible that living apart for a while has made things more difficult. But don't worry, there are plenty of ways to make things better!

3. We both held back a bit, not really stepping outside our own limitations and making changes. This has led to the problem not being completely resolved and the couple not being able to emotionally satisfy each other.

I can totally relate to the original poster because I went through something similar with my parents. My mom was always working and didn't really prioritize the family. She didn't do a great job of taking care of the household, cooking, or caring for her kids. My dad was really understanding, just like the original poster's husband is with her. But, it didn't really help my mom. I was pretty similar to my mom in many ways, but I studied for an MBA and psychology and read a lot of books about improving my character. I learned that my partner is more rational. I find it difficult to get emotional satisfaction and care from him, and I even have to take care of his feelings. But, at the same time, he doesn't have too many emotional needs, and my shortcomings in not being able to meet other people's emotional needs aren't so obvious. However, in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, because the mother-in-law has high expectations of women's virtues and because they need to share household chores, I have made appropriate changes.

So, as we've gotten to know each other better, we've also grown closer.

I can relate to the questioner who feels that after 20 years of marriage, the pattern of getting along with their spouse has still not changed as they had hoped. I think one reason could be that the questioner's marriage provides an environment in which the wife does not need to make changes, so there is no need for the wife to change herself to maintain family life. This is like my mother. When she got married, there was no mother-in-law in the family, so she had no pressure to change herself.

On the other hand, the questioner hasn't yet learned to adjust his emotional needs. He still has high expectations of his wife. This can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction inside him, and his wife will also have rational requests for him to improve. Unfortunately, he might not get a corresponding response, which can lead to her feeling dissatisfied too.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful for you!

1. Start by making a few changes in yourself, and then show your wife how she can make some changes too.

The questioner is really great at looking at himself and his feelings. He knows how to show his wife he cares about her and is working with a counselor to help his family feel happier. This is a wonderful thing! However, it might be helpful to remember that the changes he's making are for his wife, not to impress her.

However, she might feel like the author is doing this for his own reasons, which could make her less likely to respond well to him.

However, if the questioner is willing to make changes for his wife and become more rational, and pay more attention to his wife's career, the children's studies, and so on, his wife will truly feel the care that the questioner has for her. She will be willing to make the changes that the questioner expects of her. If you want to gain the approval of others, the best thing you can do is have the courage to take the lead in making changes. Then, others will be more willing to be guided by you.

2. Just imagine you're her and communicate with your wife in a way that feels right for you both.

Once the questioner realizes that he needs to make some changes and takes the brave step of doing so, I believe that his wonderful wife will also respond quickly and make corresponding changes. If, in the process, the wife's changes are not obvious enough, the questioner can gently remind her to make changes in a way that is acceptable to both parties, especially from the wife's perspective. I feel that the questioner's wife should be the kind of decisive, straightforward, and decisive personality.

So, the question asker can just ask his wife directly what she can improve. She might not like to hear all the reasons and explanations, you know?

At the same time, it would be really helpful for the question asker to try to observe what aspects of his wife are her weaknesses. He can use his own wisdom to make his wife a more perfect woman by exploiting her weaknesses to prompt her to make changes.

3. Accept each other to make your relationship more harmonious!

As you try these methods, remember to be patient. Everyone has their own character traits, and they can't be changed overnight. Don't be afraid of failure. Each attempt is a chance to learn to accept your wife's unchanging character. When you accept your wife, you'll also accept yourself. With each acceptance and attempt, you'll find your wife is moved and realizes things too. Explain to your wife that her changes will have a great impact on the formation of the child's character and academic performance. Sometimes partners won't change for each other, but they may change for the child.

I really hope that the questioner can also find ways to shift his attention from his wife to other interests such as reading and sports. It would be great for him to further improve himself, become a better person, and then his wife will unconsciously cater to him and make changes.

Hello question asker,

The questioner feels his wife doesn't care about him. He wants her to care for him, but she doesn't. She focuses on the children, family, and work, while he focuses on his emotional needs.

The questioner is trying to empathize with his wife, but she doesn't empathize with him. Could her childhood trauma make it hard for her to empathize?

The wife often can't empathize with the questioner because she doesn't know either. She can't understand why she should empathize with the questioner. It's like a person who can't swim drowning. Can she save another person who is also drowning?

Why did the questioner stay with his current wife? Did he appreciate her? Did he consider how they would get along? Is she the result of his choice?

The choice we make at the beginning often affects the outcome. Sometimes, similar personalities and needs make a marriage last longer.

The questioner needs to consider many things. The choice to save the marriage is up to him. Here are some ways to improve the marriage:

Understand your wife's behavior.

Why does the question asker's spouse treat the question asker this way? Was she treated this way by her family when she was a child?

When the wife shares her thoughts and feelings with her family elders, she is told to listen to them. If she does this, she will bring this pattern into her future family.

She thinks emotional needs are not allowed. When faced with the questioner's emotional needs, his wife avoids discussing the issue.

This pattern may have been true in the past, when people's needs were basic and emotional needs were ignored. Now that we don't worry about survival, has this pattern become deeply ingrained in wives?

Is it hard to change? Is the marriage so bad that it's not worth saving?

You have to decide for yourself. If you think there's no point in trying to save a relationship after discovering flaws, you can respond calmly.

Be positive.

When we were young, we lacked something, and when we grow up, we want to make up for it. When your wife avoids talking about your emotional needs, is it because she wants a relationship that can accept her and give her more attention and love?

The question asker should talk to his wife to see if she wants to improve the relationship. When talking to his wife about their marriage, remember:

Don't complain. It will make things worse and could lead to a breakup.

The questioner can express his feelings towards his wife. You can say, "I just want you to say something caring." Before you answer, count to three and think about what your wife said.

See a marriage therapist.

The questioner said he went to a marriage counselor. After counseling, he seems more tolerant of his wife's indifference. Is this a good sign?

What advice do marriage counselors give for improving marriages? How long has the questioner been trying to change things, but his wife won't change at all?

Ask your wife if she's willing to make changes to save the marriage. Ask if she'll see a marriage counselor.

Ask your wife if she still loves you and if she's willing to make sacrifices.

Don't threaten your wife.

You and your wife must decide together what to do about your marriage. Threatening her will not help. Threatening her to save the marriage is a bad way to communicate.

Threats encourage people to do the right thing for the wrong reason. If you threaten to leave, your wife won't want to save the marriage. Even if she does, the marriage will still fail.

Arguments are okay.

Even loving couples argue. This is often because they don't agree. Couples are based on love. When they first met, they tried to see things from each other's perspective. But after marriage, they don't think this way.

To learn from your mistakes, you have to see things from your partner's point of view. If you want to save your marriage, you both need to learn how to argue effectively.

The past is the past. Don't dwell on it. Your wife is attractive to you, and you're attracted to her.

When arguing with your wife, remember there's no "win-win." It'll help her understand you and maybe change her behavior.

If you keep bringing up old issues, your spouse will feel attacked. This is when arguments go wrong.

Don't attack people in your communication. Attacking someone is when you attack a person (their physical, emotional, or psychological characteristics) rather than their ideas.

Sometimes a characteristic needs to be criticized. But too often it feels like mockery and leads to more attacks than it does to bringing the two people together.

Both people are responsible for the marriage.

Marriage is a choice made by two people. If you compare marriage to a company, you can see the results.

Don't blame your wife for everything; you're also responsible. As the questioner, I suggest you take responsibility for yourself.

Admit your mistakes in communication with your wife. This means you want to improve your relationship. If your wife has not considered something thoroughly enough, such as your son's college entrance exam, and you just blame her, this is unfair. Work together to solve the problem.

You could say, "You didn't register the child for the course I wanted, but I also feel guilty for not spending time with the child when you were available to help."

A loving marriage takes effort from both partners. Men should take more responsibility. If there are problems, it's because partners don't prioritize each other as much as they did when they first met. What do you think?

The questioner should also see a marriage counselor.

I hope this helps the questioner.

Despite the couple having been married for 20 years and having made considerable changes and sacrifices in order to maintain their relationship and receive marriage counseling, this kind of sacrifice does not receive the same kind of reward.

You are acutely aware of the nuances of your emotional state, encompassing sentiments of slight hurt, slight desperation, and a sense of having invested a great deal of effort with minimal tangible reciprocation.

This is also a problem that individuals who provide a substantial amount of support to others often face.

Despite our willingness to give, we anticipate some form of reciprocation. We hope that our actions will evoke a positive response and be met with approval.

This process may be likened to a detour, whereby, rather than expressing one's needs directly, an attempt is made to foster understanding by fulfilling the same needs in the partner.

However, the degree of comprehension exhibited by the other individual can vary considerably. Indeed, it is not uncommon for people to find it challenging to grasp another's perspective fully.

Therefore, your efforts may be met with a lack of reciprocation. Your wife may experience positive emotions when she receives your efforts, yet she may be unable to discern your genuine needs. She may perceive you as highly understanding, a good listener, and a source of unconditional support.

With the passage of time, this "service" may lose its original meaning and become a facade that conceals the tumultuous currents of your unmet needs, which your wife is unaware of. Consequently, you may experience feelings of resentment and discontent.

Therefore, the most effective approach for couples to adopt is to communicate their needs and feelings directly.

One possible approach would be to phrase it as follows:

"My objective is to be mindful of your emotional state and provide you with the necessary support. If you could frequently acknowledge the efforts I make, it would serve as a source of motivation for me to improve."

"It is my hope that we will have the opportunity to grow old together. During the course of our relationship, I would appreciate your support and encouragement."

It is essential to ascertain one's specific needs and communicate them directly to one's partner.

It is important to maintain a balance in the level of intimacy between the two parties, and to ensure that each individual's needs are met.

I'm not asking for much. I just want to feel that my emotions are being cared for and that I'm being paid attention to. For example, every time I send a WeChat message or make a phone call, my wife can ask me how I feel and how my day is going.

I recently had three conversations with my wife about this.

The first conversation was relatively friendly. My wife said that she really couldn't understand why I had so many emotional feelings that needed to be shared and attention. After the conversation, I empathized with her. I was busy, my personality was different from my husband's, and it was normal that she couldn't understand. On the contrary, my husband had these needs, and she would definitely find it a bit strange and difficult to understand.

In the second conversation, I told my wife that I had emotional problems due to a lack of attention in my childhood. I said that I liked her and could see some changes, so I asked her to care for me. I told her that I wanted her to care for me even if it was just pretend. She said that she would not have these worries if she was busy doing concrete things herself. She suggested that I take the elderly out for a bit, clean up the house, etc. I told her that I wanted a few simple words of care, not suggestions. The more she suggested, the more disappointed I became.

In the third conversation, which took place last night, my wife called to vent about her work troubles. We spoke for more than 50 minutes, and roughly half of that time was spent talking about her work troubles. I empathized with her, and the other half was spent talking about my son filling out his college applications. My wife is very talkative and never stops talking, and she was very excited about what she was saying, which made me feel a little disappointed and dissatisfied. I had already told her the other day that I was having emotional problems, but after all that talking, she never asked me how I was doing. I told her, "I just talked about your troubles and my son's affairs. I really hope that someone can care about me."

But no, my wife justifiably told me, "Do I have to ask how you're doing? What have you been eating?"

Is that caring for you? Just now, when I talked to you about all this, that was caring for you.

I have no responsibility for your emotional deprivation in childhood. I can't do it!

You have to live with these problems! I'm busy all day, working and raising a child alone, and I want someone to care about me!

You tell me I've worked hard, but I don't need that. Those words are empty and superficial. The work still needs to get done, whether you say it or not.

Despite the lack of conflict yesterday, I still felt a profound sadness and struggled to sleep. I have invested significant effort into improving my marriage.

I now realize that I also often felt emotionally rejected and ignored when I was a child with my mother.

I know I should look within and practice self-care, but this incident still makes me feel a deep sense of regret. I have complaints, and I'm not afraid to say it.

Dear host,

I am Warm June, a woman in my late 80s who has been married for 15 years.

While I am not as experienced as the host, having been married for only 10 years,

If I may, I would like to take this opportunity to express my own feelings.

I am also grateful for this platform, which provides a space for mutual support and the expression of shared challenges. It is also a fortunate coincidence to connect with another individual.

From what I can gather from the host's description, it seems as though the host has also made considerable efforts in order to maintain a healthy relationship between the two of them.

I would like to commend you for your commitment and responsibility.

Ultimately, marriage is a partnership, and it's important to recognize that finding solutions to challenges won't necessarily come from just one person.

It is perhaps inevitable that every marriage will encounter some challenges and difficulties along the way.

It is understandable that there will be differences of opinion and occasional disagreements when two people are together.

It is not uncommon for there to be strong internal conflicts with oneself, particularly when two people come from completely different families.

It is therefore to be expected that conflicts will arise in marriage, and it is important to accept this fact.

How, then, can we resolve conflicts and disputes between the two and accommodate each other? This is a point of spiritual practice in our journey of life.

Some people believe that if the love is no longer there, it may be best to separate.

In marriage, love is undoubtedly a significant factor, but it is not the only one. In addition to love, there should also be a good match in terms of spiritual and material needs, or in other words, a good match in terms of social status.

It is true that the story of Prince Charming and Cinderella does happen in real life, but it is not a common occurrence. Most people still marry someone who is similar to them in many ways.

Such factors as personality, earning power, and empathy may also be involved.

It is likely that there will be some differences between the two, and it is perhaps unfeasible to expect them to be exactly the same.

If there is a significant discrepancy in the two individuals' characteristics, it may prove challenging for them to coexist harmoniously.

If the differences are not too significant, it may be possible for them to coexist.

1. Personality

It could be said that a person's character is almost set when they are young.

It can be challenging to alter one's personality after reaching adulthood. Attraction often arises due to the similarities or differences in personality traits between two individuals.

Initially, we appreciated each other's personalities. However, after spending time together, we realized that some of the traits we initially appreciated may not have been as compatible with our preferences as we had thought.

It could be said that whether the two of them will get along after entering into marriage is actually predetermined from the beginning.

Perhaps it's not that the lovers at the beginning have changed, but that when they were in love, they only showed each other their best sides and perhaps didn't fully reveal their other selves.

After a long time of marriage, some less desirable traits began to emerge. When we could still choose to be together despite seeing each other's flaws, it seemed that the trial period was over.

It's not entirely possible to say whether it's better to have the same personality or complementary personalities. What is important is whether the two people accept each other.

My husband tends to be more introverted, which can make him seem a bit boring at times. I'm a Gemini with two very different personalities, which makes it challenging to find a balance between extroversion and introversion.

Sometimes I feel like I exhibit neurotic tendencies, such as a childlike joy when I'm happy and a somewhat irascible demeanor when I'm angry.

My husband sometimes seems to ignore me, but he has always been tolerant of me and my quirks. I can feel it.

Later on, I also took steps to gradually reduce the problem of losing my temper for no reason, and I tried to respect his feelings by making some changes myself.

We do occasionally get angry and argue, but we always try to avoid getting to the point of no return.

2. Ability to earn money

It is important to recognize that men and women are different, and that their abilities vary. While it is true that men are often more capable of earning a living to support their families, it is also important to acknowledge that women are equally capable of taking care of their families and managing the housework.

This is a traditional concept that is still relevant in today's world.

It is also worth noting that there are happy and fulfilling marriages where two people work together to support their family, and a man and a woman share responsibilities such as housework and cooking.

In our family, we are both office workers. We try to go to work together during the day and pick up the kids together in the evening. I usually cook dinner, and my husband mops the floor and tidies up. We eat dinner together as a family in the evening. This is our daily routine.

It can be challenging to make money, but it's also important to prioritize your health and family. Try to do your best within your means.

It is not necessarily the case that the woman has to cook sumptuous meals with nutritious food for the whole family. Contentment is happiness.

3. Empathy

It is also important to note that a marriage requires a two-way relationship. It is not a happy situation if only one party is compromising.

It would be beneficial for the two of you to chat, play, eat, and sleep together as much as possible.

From my perspective, the husband had a somewhat ingratiating personality and made great efforts to achieve harmony with his wife.

Despite my best efforts, I was unable to capture my wife's attention. It's possible that remaining indifferent might lead to disappointment.

It is important to note that having demands and expectations of your partner can potentially lead to disappointment, particularly if those expectations are high.

At this time, we try to respect each other, avoid accusations and complaints, and focus on doing what we should and what we enjoy.

It may be helpful to consider ways of allowing your partner to see and attract your attention, rather than giving commands. It's important to remember that everyone prefers to be in control of their own actions.

My husband tends to be more reserved when he comes home at night, preferring to relax and unwind on his own. I initially found this a little surprising, but I've come to understand that it's simply his way of unwinding after a long day.

I would like to kindly ask you why you don't talk to me. I'm feeling a bit sad because I'm not sure if you still love me.

I came to understand that when someone is not inclined to engage in conversation, it is best to respect their wishes and refrain from persisting. I do my best to be mindful of others' preferences.

I try to set aside time for reading, yoga, and meditation when I'm not doing housework.

However, we do make an effort to interact with each other. We try to find time to connect, and I've discovered one activity we can enjoy together, which is five-in-a-row.

I will fight with him. It's not that there is no love left.

It's understandable that as time goes on, the passion in a relationship may fade, even if there was a lot of it at the beginning.

From the outside, the couple may appear to be a unified entity, but in reality, each person retains their individual identity within the relationship.

While taking care of ourselves, it's important to also care about each other and communicate well with each other.

It can be challenging to communicate effectively and find the real reason for a disagreement. Sometimes, we may lack respect for our family members, which can make it difficult to talk to each other.

I feel that my marriage could be more exciting, and there are some areas that could use improvement. After experiencing every trivial and upsetting thing,

I feel like I'm becoming more and more detached. Regardless of how the other person treats me, I just have to do what I believe is right.

I have come to realize that I was allowing external factors to influence my state of mind, which was causing me discomfort in my marriage. I have since learned to maintain a sense of balance and resilience, which has helped me to navigate these challenges more effectively.

I believe that if you are true to yourself and allow your own values and beliefs to guide you, it will make the challenges of marriage easier to navigate.

It may be the case that those who are suffering in their marriage and cannot completely separate from their spouse are people whose hearts are no longer in the marriage. It is possible that they may even want to leave, but have nowhere to go.

Even in the face of pain, marriage can still be a source of comfort.

It would be beneficial for both parties to communicate when one experiences discomfort. Through open dialogue, it may be possible to identify solutions that benefit both individuals.

Otherwise, we run the risk of causing each other pain. In marriage, I believe it is crucial to find a comfortable mode for each other.

After 15 years of marriage, I have come to realize a few things.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all the very best for a happy and fulfilling life!

I would like to express my love for the world and for you!

Hello!

From reading your question, it's clear you've put in a lot of effort in your marriage and it's paid off!

You've done a great job of saving your marriage from the brink! It's not just about making concessions and sacrifices, but also about meeting your wife's emotional and behavioural needs.

You've done marriage counseling, which is great! It means you know what your wife needs in the relationship. You can meet her needs in a targeted way.

You also know that what you lack is emotional care, and you want to be seen, cared for, and loved.

You want to make up for the rejection and indifference you felt from your mother as a child with your wife.

However, it seems like your wife might be repeating the way your mother treated you. It's possible that she believes the language of love is unimportant and is hoping to keep you busy so that she can ignore her own feelings and reject your emotional appeals.

It's totally normal for marital relationships to reflect the dynamics of our original families. The good news is that if we're aware and work hard to improve, we can also repair and heal childhood traumas.

For now, you're doing great!

It's totally normal to feel like you don't matter in your intimate relationship sometimes.

You've been really open with your wife about what you need, but it can feel like she's rejecting you, just like your mother did when you were a kid.

I'm guessing that in the third conversation you had with your wife, you probably felt a sense of disappointment and grievance, right?

I know it can be tough when your wife can't take care of your feelings. What can you do in this situation?

How can you get what you need?

Could it be through self-care and self-satisfaction?

You've tried it, but it doesn't seem to be enough, sweetie.

I know it can be tough, but do you think you could continue to ask your wife for what you need?

You've already tried it, and I know it's not easy.

What do you think you should do?

1. Try not to demand things verbally, so that your wife doesn't feel even more overwhelmed.

From what you've said, it seems like your wife is a very busy person who sometimes forgets to take care of herself.

Deep down, she may not be as financially comfortable as she seems.

If you directly express your feelings and ask her to consider them, she may feel that she doesn't even have the time or energy to take care of her own feelings. If you keep asking her to care about you, she will get tired.

I know it might be a bit of an unusual comparison, but if your wife has 100,000 yuan on her and you ask her for 1,000 yuan, she'll be really happy to help.

If she only has a hundred dollars on her, and you ask her for a hundred, she'll be really worried.

What if you're short on cash?

I'd like to make a suggestion.

2. Try to be a little more understanding of your wife and her needs. Show her how grateful you are, get involved, show her who you are, and encourage her to take the initiative to care for you, so you can both feel seen and loved.

Your wife is very chatty and tends to chat about her work and her son when she's on the phone to you. It's easy to understand why you might feel a little left out.

It's easy to feel neglected when your wife is chatting away about her work and her son on the phone. She's probably just trying to show you that she cares by talking to you about these things.

First of all, you can express your gratitude.

Be grateful that your wife can share her work worries with you, and that she also has to worry about your son. She's such a dedicated woman!

Be sure to catch any little bit of care she shows you in her words and express your gratitude.

Show her how much you appreciate her, and she'll be able to relax a little more. She might even enjoy the sweetness of it all in the future!

Next, be sure to jump in and help out!

Your wife is working so hard! Ask her what you can do to help and what you need to do.

In family relationships, it's often the case that when the husband and father is absent, there's no opportunity for others to participate.

It might be that you're in a different place, or it could be that your wife is strong-willed and has the ability to take on the responsibility single-handedly, which has inadvertently set you aside.

If you actively participate, your wife will be so grateful! She'll feel your presence and know how much you value her.

And again, show yourself some love!

It can be really tough when you feel like you're not seen. It might be because the other person is ignoring you, or it could be that you're hiding away, hoping that their gaze can penetrate everything to discover you. Either way, it's important to remember that you matter, and that you're worthy of being seen.

If you don't show yourself, the other person might think you don't like to stand out or that you're not aware of their existence.

We all have a hard time living sometimes, and it's important not to put all your hopes on the other person. Try to transform your own needs subtly through the feelings of gain and loss. Make her feel that it is worthwhile to give, and pay attention to the fact that you are empowering her. You never know what might happen!

And that's all!

Hi, I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. I wish you all the best and I hope all your dreams come true!

Hello!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe that learning is the treasure of the body.

From your thoughtful description, I can sense your inner disappointment, longing, pain, and your strong desire to make your marriage work.

I know you're feeling frustrated at not getting a positive response from your wife, and I'm here to help. I'd like to offer three pieces of advice that I think could really help you.

First of all, I really hope you understand that in an intimate relationship, it's often the person who suffers more who changes first.

You've done a great job of describing your situation, and I can see that you've already made some positive changes.

You also mentioned that you and your wife have been married for 20 years and have been living apart for the last ten years. Because your personalities are quite different, your relationship was not good for the first ten years or so. But in the past year or so, you have been going to marriage counseling alone, and your relationship has improved a lot. This is the result of you changing first, and it's so great to see! It is not easy for you to do this, because it takes a lot of courage to face your inner pain and change.

I just wanted to say that changing one's marital status is not a one-person job, but it does start with one person. This is because there is always mutual influence between partners – if you change first, it is more likely that your partner will change.

Secondly, I really hope you understand that just because you change first, it doesn't mean that your wife will necessarily change to meet your needs.

So, you're hoping that your wife will change in the same way as you. That's a normal and reasonable thing to want! But it's not always easy to ask her to "definitely" change to meet your standards.

It's totally normal for her not to change after you change, or not to change to meet your needs.

It can be tricky to know what you really think inside when you're with someone who isn't you.

You also shared three recent conversations in your description, and it can be seen that you really want her to do what you want deep down. I just want to say that such expectations are actually equivalent to "control." I know you've already taken the initiative to make so many changes for the family, for her, and for your marriage. I'm sure you can do what I expect!

I think this is why you say that when you ask your wife to care for you, she gets angry instead. It's so sad, but she feels forced and controlled.

It's also possible that she can't achieve the state you want. It might be because she can't give you what you want because of her personality. She might just be that kind of person! She can't say the caring things you want to hear. It's totally natural to feel disappointed and sad when you ask someone to give you something you need and they can't.

And again, you change first, not to achieve a certain result (how she must be), but to explore a new possibility for your relationship. If it doesn't work out the way you want, that's okay! You can accept that too.

Another thing to keep in mind is that when you change and allow your wife to remain the same, she might change too. I know it might seem a bit contradictory, but that's just how change works! It's all about allowing things to be as they are, even if it's not what we want.

I really think you should try to look inward and learn to accept yourself, care for yourself, and love yourself.

You also mentioned in your description that you need to take care of yourself, and I think that's a great idea!

I agree with this 100%! It's so common to look outward, hoping your wife can meet your needs. But the outside world is full of uncertainty, so it's no surprise you're disappointed. If you look inward and satisfy your own needs, you'll not only reduce your desire to look outward, but also make your wife feel less pressure and less forced. This will encourage her to change, which will make your relationship easier and easier. Before you know it, you'll have formed a virtuous cycle!

I really think you'd benefit from reading the book "The Neglected Child: How to Overcome Emotional Neglect in Childhood." It's got some great tips on how to care for yourself and make up for emotional deprivation in childhood.

I really hope my answer helps! If you'd like to chat some more, just click on "Find a Coach" at the bottom of the page and I'll be in touch.

Dear question asker,

My name is Xiaobai, and I am here to help. I am confident that I can assist you in overcoming your concerns.

I have given your question careful consideration and would like to offer some advice and suggestions in the hope that they may be of assistance to you.

Firstly, I would like to commend you on the longevity of your marriage, which has lasted for 20 years. This is a commendable achievement and I wish to acknowledge your efforts.

It is often said that a husband and wife have a hundred days of grace after one day of marriage. However, in practice, couples who have been together for a long time gradually lose their mutual understanding. This can result in a lack of alignment in perspectives and, in some cases, even a negative perception of each other.

It is, in fact, impossible for a couple to never tire of each other. This is simply a consequence of human nature.

Therefore, after an extended period of time, couples may experience fatigue. It is possible that your marriage has reached a point of monotony.

In a long marriage, it is not realistic to expect a high level of passion every day. However, the couple has already developed a sense of family through the years. Even in the most mundane period of boredom, it is difficult to actually choose to divorce the other person because there is no passion.

Due to the long-standing nature of the relationship, there is a high level of interdependence between the two parties.

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge the current state of your relationship and take steps to ensure you are fulfilling your role within the marriage.

It is essential to first recognize the sensitive period in your married life. Then, you must conduct a thorough review of the past ten years together, identify shortcomings and problems in your marriage, and ensure your role in this intimate relationship is clear. Reflect on the contributions you have made and received as a husband in this marriage.

It would be beneficial to consider ways to repair the relationship, rather than solely focusing on avoiding problems. It is also important to avoid the mindset that the current situation is unchangeable.

It is important to understand that a state of cold war can only serve to impede the progress of your relationship and ultimately lead to the dissolution of your marriage.

It is important to communicate more.

A common issue for couples who have been married for an extended period is that they tend to endure challenges without expressing them. They refrain from pointing out or complaining about these issues, which can negatively impact the relationship. We often hear individuals say, "What's the point of expressing concerns? My partner won't change, and if they do, they won't do it effectively. And if they don't do it effectively, they'll just express frustration. In the end, it's just a waste of time discussing issues, so it's better to just keep quiet and maintain a positive relationship."

This approach is ineffective. It is necessary to express your true feelings, sit down and talk things through, and resolve the problem. It is counterproductive to keep issues bottled up and then blame your partner for not understanding you.

It is recommended that you create some romance to bring your marriage back to the beginning of your love.

It is often the case that an embrace, a kiss, or a date can play an important role in maintaining the freshness of a marriage. It is a common misconception that older married couples are not in need of this level of romance. In fact, the opposite is true. As long as the frequency and scale of these gestures are appropriate, they can significantly improve the quality of a marriage, preventing it from becoming stale.

It is essential to demonstrate increased understanding, tolerance, and flexibility.

If a couple residing together frequently engages in disagreements due to a lack of stimulation, it can have a detrimental impact on the quality of their marriage and potentially lead to its dissolution. During periods of monotony in a marriage, it is essential for both partners to demonstrate increased understanding, tolerance, and communication to maintain a healthy and productive relationship.

It is important to remember that marriage is not a simple process, and the initial adjustment period can be particularly challenging. It is essential to remain resilient during this period to ensure a successful transition into the marriage.

It is my hope that every couple in the world can enjoy the ordinary period of marriage and thus move towards a long and happy marriage.

In conclusion, I would like to present some of my views and suggestions, which I hope will be of assistance to you.

Best regards,