You are being over-cared for, but don't know how to remind the other person?

Hello, I'm ZQ, a heart exploration coach from the Yixinli platform. People born in the 1950s and 1960s have seen it all. They were always in a hurry and always did what they said. Boundaries were basically non-existent.

If you feel you're being over-cared for, remember that others may have been treated the same way. There's no such thing as privacy. The habit has been passed down for generations. The other person's caring behaviors may exceed your boundaries.

You may have reached a point where you can't take it anymore, but you're a kind person and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Your mother-in-law helps you clean the house, which you appreciate. Young people would love to have someone help with housework, but she even tidies up the underwear. This is a bit much.

Some intimate clothing is private, so don't let her do it.

You can talk to her about this. For some items, you can ask him to help. For others, you can do the sorting together. You can also say that you appreciate her hard work.

If you find out he's eavesdropping, you can go get a drink or go to the bathroom. Then, act like you ran into her at the door and say, "Hey, Mom, why are you here?" Do it a few more times and she'll feel embarrassed.

No one wants to be eavesdropped on. Even the older generation is afraid of being eavesdropped on. The goal is to establish boundaries.

You can't hurt the other person. You have to set boundaries in your daily life, like organizing underwear or dealing with interruptions. These are the key areas that require your attention. You can gain insights in your daily life without saying a word.

Be gentle, though. You want to keep your family happy. This will help you and your partner get along better. Talk to your friends, too. They can give you ideas. Good luck!

ZQ?

Good day. My name is Xia Fan, a listening coach, and I am pleased to respond to your query. I perceive your ambivalence and uncertainty, so let me offer you a reassuring gesture.

Your mother-in-law cares about you and often assists with domestic tasks. You are grateful for her help and support, but at the same time, you feel uncomfortable when she eavesdrops on you in the doorway and when you do the laundry. You feel that she is encroaching upon your married life to a degree that is bothersome and require the establishment of boundaries, but you are uncertain as to the most appropriate means of doing so. Can you empathize with her perspective?

This can be examined from two perspectives:

From the perspective of marital dynamics, it is evident that your mother-in-law values the stability and security of your relationship and is willing to provide domestic support to alleviate some of the burden on you, her daughter-in-law. This is a positive indication of her desire to see you thrive in your marital life. It is likely that she hopes for a harmonious and conflict-free relationship between you and her son, which may explain her tendency to eavesdrop on your conversations.

While these actions may be comprehensible, it is nevertheless necessary to establish certain boundaries to ensure the couple's independent space and personal privacy. Additionally, a marriage in which the mother-in-law is excessively involved may also have potential long-term risks, leading to increased conflicts between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or the couple.

Alternatively, one may desire to communicate with one's mother-in-law but lack the requisite skills to do so effectively. It is indeed challenging to navigate the complexities of maintaining one's own marital boundaries while simultaneously respecting the goodwill of the other person. I empathize with your situation.

One potential approach is to attempt to communicate with one's partner first, given that the other person is the mother-in-law. Based on one's knowledge of her, it may be possible to identify an appropriate way to express oneself. Alternatively, one can express one's wishes in a timely manner with regard to specific matters. For instance, if one's mother-in-law is packing one's underwear, one might say, "Thank you, mother-in-law, but I would like to pack my underwear myself."

This approach clearly expresses one's wishes while also seeking the other person's consent and demonstrating respect for the older generation.

I would like to suggest the book Love Needs to be Learned as a potential resource for you. I hope it will prove useful.

Hello, questioner! I am Jia Ao, the Heart Exploration coach. I'm wondering if I might be of any help to you.

I have carefully read the problems and confusions you described on the platform. Are you having difficulties getting along with your family? You said that being cared for is actually a good thing, and you can feel the other person's attention on you, but being over-cared for is different. Your mother-in-law often takes the initiative to help you clean your room, and sometimes listens to you talk behind the door of your room. You are very grateful for her various help, but you always feel strange and uncomfortable in your heart. Have you considered taking a stand and establishing boundaries?

It's understandable that there might be some differences in how the two generations approach things. She may not feel any discomfort, but you have your own needs and boundaries. You don't want to be disturbed or interfered with. You don't want to hurt the other person's self-esteem or self-worth, but you can maintain a respectful distance and set clear boundaries. Perhaps you can ask your husband to step in and communicate to see how to solve this problem.

?Assist you in analyzing and organizing your thoughts:

1. It would be helpful to express your feelings directly and clearly.

Many people have encountered the problem you mentioned. If you don't care, the other person may feel that you are indifferent, but if you care too much, they may feel that you are intruding. Therefore, it is important to maintain a clear sense of personal boundaries. You can simply and clearly express yourself and maintain a firm position. When someone's concern exceeds your acceptable range, you can appropriately communicate with the other person and honestly express your boundaries and needs. Of course, you can also ask your husband to intervene. The other person may not know that their actions are excessive, so it is very important to communicate with them directly and honestly. Of course, it is most important if your mother-in-law can accept it.

2. It may be helpful to consider maintaining a reasonable distance.

It would be beneficial to express gratitude to the other person for their care and concern in a gentle manner, while also maintaining an appropriate distance and boundaries with regard to privacy and personal space. It is also important to recognise that your mother-in-law's concern may, at times, cause you discomfort. However, you can convey your understanding and empathy, while also acknowledging the good intentions behind her actions. You can then politely and firmly explain that you require a certain amount of personal space and privacy, and hope that she will respect your needs over time.

3. Consider seeking outside help and support.

If, after communicating, you still feel troubled or anxious, you might consider seeking support and advice from your family, friends, or professionals, especially your husband. Many things can be resolved if he steps in, such as if you feel uncomfortable communicating directly with your mother-in-law. They may be able to offer some reasonable advice to help you better deal with your mother-in-law's "over-concern," which could also effectively avoid conflicts between you.

4. It would be advisable to remain calm and patient.

It is possible that people who care about you a great deal may sometimes be driven by love and concern, and may want to help and take care of you as much as possible, even though their methods may not always be entirely appropriate. When interacting with such people, it may be helpful to try to remain calm and patient, to try to understand their point of view, to avoid unnecessary conflicts, and to try not to let the relationship become tense. The effectiveness of these strategies may depend on one's own communication and expression skills.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, you are welcome to follow me (click on my personal homepage), choose the Heart Exploration service, and communicate with me one-on-one. With love and best wishes for a good day,

Hello, I'm Li Di. Thanks for meeting.

Your mother-in-law cares about every little detail of your life, but you feel uncomfortable and strange. You appreciate her kindness, but you also want to understand her in a way that does not hurt her. We all need our own space. How do you take a stand and establish boundaries? I also had some thoughts while reading, and I hope to discuss them with you.

☞First, my mother-in-law helps me, and I feel grateful, but sometimes it makes me feel like there are no boundaries. So what are the boundaries I need? Can I first think about what I can do myself without my mother-in-law's help and what she needs to help?

Understand your needs and what respect you want.

☞ Second, how does my partner understand these things? Do we feel the same way? Can I express my needs clearly to my partner?

☞ Third, the mother-in-law cares about us, so why is she concerned? Is she worried that we can't handle it?

Or is she afraid we're tired? Or that she's not doing a good job, that we're unhappy, and that she's listening behind the door?

Is it because we don't communicate well and the mother-in-law feels insecure?

The above discussion is just another way of thinking. If something makes you uncomfortable, you can ignore it. This is just an assumption.

Let's look at the reasons behind your feelings and needs together so you can understand and accept yourself better.

The situation you mentioned involves key psychological concepts: boundary setting, personal space, and intergenerational interaction patterns. Boundary setting is crucial to mental health because it helps people feel safe and respected.

If your mother-in-law eavesdrops on your conversations without knowing, it can make you feel like your space is invaded. Carl Rogers said that people need a supportive and understanding environment to grow.

This may make you feel uncomfortable because it threatens your personal space and the possibility of self-realization.

Your mother-in-law's behavior may also reflect her caring nature. However, her excessive concern may stem from her own needs.

Erikson's theory says older people may have identity crises. They may feel less useful and try to regain a sense of self-worth by caring for younger people.

Then, here's what we can do:

Think about your needs. How would you like to define your personal space?

What's okay and what's not?

Effective communication: Find the right moment to express your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Use "I" statements to convey your message.

Agree on a schedule. For example, you could ask your mother-in-law to come in and clean at certain times or knock first to ask if it is convenient.

Use empathy to understand your mother-in-law's motives and express your own emotions.

Give your mother-in-law positive feedback and let her know you appreciate her role in the family, but also that you need your own space.

Show gratitude for her, but also make your needs clear. For example: "I know you are concerned about us, and I appreciate that, but I believe that we would be more comfortable if we had our own space."

Get your mother-in-law involved in other activities so she has her own space.

It's important to maintain respect and understanding while also sticking to your own boundaries. This helps maintain harmonious family relationships and your personal mental health.

Be gentle and considerate when communicating. Avoid hurting the other person's self-esteem. This will help you have a healthier relationship based on mutual respect.

I hope this helps. Love,

Firstly, I appreciate the challenges you are facing in this situation. Navigating relationships with your mother-in-law, particularly when it comes to matters of personal space and boundaries, can be a sensitive and complex issue.

It is not uncommon to experience a degree of discomfort, while also striving to avoid causing any distress to your mother-in-law.

It is possible that your mother-in-law has unconsciously violated your personal space out of her love and concern for you. The fact that she helps you tidy up your room and eavesdrops on your conversations may be a way for her to hide her concern and curiosity about your lives.

From her perspective, this may be a way for her to demonstrate her affection. Consequently, when addressing this matter, it is essential to empathize with her actions and intentions.

It is important to note that everyone requires their own personal space and privacy. This is a fundamental aspect of personal freedom and dignity, as well as an essential element in maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships.

Accordingly, you are entitled to articulate your position and requirements and to define the appropriate boundaries.

How can this problem be properly resolved based on empathy? I have the following suggestions for you:

It is important to establish an emotional connection.

Identify an appropriate time to engage in an in-depth discussion with your mother-in-law. During the discussion, begin by expressing your gratitude for her consistent care and concern.

Express your gratitude for her kindness and explain that you understand she is acting out of love for you. This will demonstrate your sincerity and goodwill, and set the stage for future communication.

2. Clearly articulate your needs.

Once an emotional connection has been established, it is possible to begin expressing needs in a clear and assertive manner. It is important to communicate that personal space and privacy are highly valued and to provide a rationale for this.

It is important to emphasise that this is not a sign of distrust or rejection, but rather a need for personal growth and development. You may also wish to share some relevant psychological knowledge or articles with her to help her better understand your position.

3. Identify solutions collaboratively.

Discuss with your mother-in-law how you can both maintain your respective privacy while ensuring she is not excluded or ignored. You may wish to consider establishing common rules and boundaries, such as keeping your personal space undisturbed during certain times of the day or installing a doorbell to alert her when you need to be left alone.

Through mutual negotiation and compromise, a solution acceptable to both parties will be found.

4. Continuous communication and adjustment

It is essential to maintain regular communication with your mother-in-law throughout the implementation process. Periodically review and adjust your agreements to ensure they continue to align with the needs and expectations of all parties involved.

Should any issues arise, it is essential to communicate with your mother-in-law promptly and collaborate to find a solution.

5. Seek external support.

Should communication with your mother-in-law reach an impasse or prove inconclusive, it may be advisable to seek external support. One option would be to request the assistance of another family member or friend as an intermediary, or alternatively, to consult a professional counselor for more specific advice and guidance.

In summary, addressing personal space concerns with your mother-in-law necessitates patience, understanding, and communication. By placing yourself in her position and grasping her requirements, explicitly articulating your expectations and limitations, and collaborating to identify solutions, you can foster a more harmonious and respectful family dynamic.

Furthermore, I would like to provide additional advice to assist you in effectively addressing this matter:

Maintain composure and reasoned discourse: It is important to remain calm and rational when communicating with your mother-in-law. Avoid making impulsive decisions or saying hurtful things when you are emotional.

It is advisable to present facts and figures when possible. This could include sharing the results of relevant research on the importance of personal space for personal mental health or citing specific examples to illustrate your needs.

Be flexible. You may encounter various challenges and difficulties in communicating with your mother-in-law. Maintain your flexibility and adjust your strategies and methods according to the actual situation.

Maintain a positive outlook. Believe that through hard work and communication, a satisfactory solution can be reached.

It is important to avoid bringing negative emotions into your daily interactions with your mother-in-law, as this will only serve to exacerbate the conflict.

Finally, it is important to remember that dealing with this issue requires time and patience. It is not reasonable to expect immediate results, but it is necessary to be prepared for long-term communication and adjustment.

Furthermore, it is important to recognise and appreciate the care and concern your mother-in-law has shown towards you. Adopting a more positive and tolerant attitude will help you to deal with this issue effectively.

It is my hope that these detailed suggestions will provide you with more specific guidance to help you better handle your relationship with your mother-in-law and find a balance that meets the needs of both parties.

Hello, I'm Coach Yu. Let's talk about this.

Knowing your own boundaries is important. Boundaries distinguish you from others. In family relationships, parents and children have their own boundaries.

Many emotional and interpersonal problems are caused by a lack of boundaries.

If someone violates our boundaries, our bodies react. We may have a faster heartbeat, feel hot, restless, or sweaty.

Sometimes we don't want to offend others, damage relationships, avoid risks, or feel like we're overthinking. We're afraid to set and maintain boundaries and protect ourselves.

The original poster was over-concerned by the mother-in-law, although grateful for her help.

Are we offended by what our mother-in-law says and does at home?

Ask the husband if he's uncomfortable with his mother-in-law's behavior.

Ask yourself what you would do if you told your mother-in-law to make her position clear.

We can't rely on others to protect us. We can't control what others say or do. We can't expect others to know how to behave. We need to take the initiative and establish our own boundaries. We need to clearly express to others how uncomfortable we feel when we are offended. If necessary, we can use some warning words and methods.

Some parents want to control their children because they don't see them as individuals. They control them to fulfill their own wishes.

We can have an honest conversation with my husband, listen to him talk about his childhood, understand my mother-in-law from a different perspective, and feel her true state of mind. At the same time, we can express our discomfort with my mother-in-law's over-concerned behavior and hope that my husband can make her understand what to do in the future.

Communication can help us release and soothe our emotions and enhance our relationships. If the mother-in-law accepts it, we can proceed. If not, we shouldn't be discouraged. We can create the right opportunity to communicate with my husband again. I believe that with time and sincerity, my mother-in-law will see the growth of the younger generation.

If this is bothering you, it's not easy to overcome it. Find a family member or friend you trust and talk to them. If you need help, you can also find a counselor.

Affirm and empower yourself. Support others and appreciate family love. Nourish yourself and build strong social connections. You will find life is wonderful and you are confident.

Read Nonviolent Communication.